the smile

it's about me again.
every time they quarrel like this, it has to be about me. today was no different, to be exact, this morning. at first when i woke up to my mother's nagging, i thought she was nagging at me, so i was like wtf lar, i not even awake yet she wanna start quarreling alr -.-

then i heard my father rebutting, and i knew it. its abt me once again. soon the topic strays from me to their marriage, on y my mom wants to stay in the office longer and so on. deep inside i know its thanks to me. none of this would have happened if i was just more tolerant, less vulgar, and show less attitude.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! WHY CANT I FUCKING CHANGE?!

i guess its true wat they say that a leopard nvr changes its spots. i've tried countless times to change, then life gives me one blow and i revert back. guess i aint that strong after all huh. i keep telling myself "c'mon reuel, pick urself up...sulk all u want today, tmr u start afresh" but the sulking part nvr ceases. i sulk one day and the next day i get abit more havoc.

now i just smile, ms delphine lim told me once in what used to be st mike's "u're an attention seeker cos u're the only child" and now here in L&T a colleague told me "u exude the only-child aura" WTF LAR!! so ok now i just smile, hopefully it hides everything.

i've spoken to a few friends who seem rather lively and happy when we're out with our bunch. but when we're talking 1-on-1, it seems they take on a different persona, and all their problems come out. they always manage to conceal it perfectly when they're with the rest of us. wonder how they do it, must learn from them. maybe its cos they aint the only child.

so ok, after this morning's cold war at home, i experimented with the supposedly wonderful thing called the smile. it seems that smiling warms the soul and makes one lighter and ever so slightly more happy. then i just realised, bloggin abt this mornin makes me pissed all over again -.-

haiz...just gotta smile more, dont so emo lol. btw have i told u abt my new colleague? yea its a lady. quite young...i think. of cos i'm judging by the ageing lines on her face. some lines which make up can never hide. so i'm thinking maybe late 20s? okok i know, i'm trying to change topic. i cant help it! i needa get my mood back, i dun wanna be some attention seeker again. dun really like that label :(